A Scottish Woodland Walk

For those with a Death-Wish only

Weather + Trees = Death

The modern world doesn't leave us a lot of time to get back to nature yet Doctors around the globe tout the health benefits of woodland walks, days in the park and the general well-being boost that comes from being outside.

And then there's us Scots.

First of all: there is a fairly solid chance that the weather might kill you. If it doesn't manage to batter you back indoors from your woodland walk you may end up with a tree falling on you. I wish I was joking...

Elder Berries

Besides the falling trees there are all sorts of dangerous and not-very-exotic plants. Take these lovely looking Elder Berries, for example. They taste fantastic... but they will poison you if you eat too many raw. Put them in a pie and they're great, but rely on them when you are starving and all you will get is a desperate need for the non-existent toilet. That is what we call 'Bad Banter'.

Foxglove, a (deadly) common garden flower

Next we have the gorgeous Foxglove plant... from which we can take Digitalis which will stop your heart. Do not eat it... no matter how pretty it looks. You shouldn't really have these growing in your garden but you would be surprised by how many people do... There were two versions of this photo; one with Kai in the background and one without. I think it is prettier with the dog.

It's not all bad, I suppose, there is plenty of wildllife. One time when I was wild camping a Stag ran out of the woods and barked at me. Then there was the time I got chased by the badger... but mostly it's just bugs. I couldn't catch a midge on film so I got a really cool beetle instead.

It's not all bad, I did meet this little guy.

After a while of walking you start to notice some fairly odd things. The bench below, for example, overlooks the Clyde Walkway by Crossford. It is a beautiful area full of natural habitats and protected waterways... and someone has only gone and fenced off the benches so you can't enjoy it.

You probably wouldn't want to anyway, at this time of year, there is a high chance the cold would get you. Or a tree would fall on you. You see where I'm going with this?

The benches are wild here, we have to cage them.

 Once in a while you will come across some fairly creepy stuff... there might be a half-built shelter that looks like kids did it but you're not sure, because of all the broken Buckfast Tonic Wine bottles tossed around the place.

There are arrows that point to nowhere, and nothing, and might lead to Oz if you followed them...nobody knows and nobody ever returned to tell the tale. People don't follow the arrows anymore. We learned.

Brambles...

...Come with Thor

 And then we come to the things you can eat. This bramble berry bush, for example, probably just known as a blackberry anywhere else in the world. You can eat them, they are sweet and delicious and THEY WILL CUT YOU. Enjoy.

Likewise these nettles will keep you going throughout the winter - but THEY WILL STING YOU. Still, who cares about a little sting when society has devolved enough that you have to forage nettles for your tea... right?

Nettles

Shroooooooms

Clover

Then there are the creepy mushrooms...lots and lots of creepy mushrooms, not enough of them psychedelic and some as big as your head. You can eat them. Probably. I wouldn't though, there's a pretty serious risk of death.


The clover is edible but - this is the important part - white clover is toxic in warmer countries. It's OK to eat it in Scotland, but it does taste like yuck and it is far better cooked. Kids in Scotland spend whole summers looking for a four-leafed one among clusters just like this. Darn it kids have a lot of free time... we should give them all jobs.

This tree is definitely planning to kill you.

So let's have a round up then... Basically, if you're going out for a woodland walk in Scotland you need to go prepared. You take your phone and you tell someone when you are coming home. The chances of your phone working out there are slim to none of course, but at least you will get to snap a few pics of the thing that kills you.

Thanks once again for taking the time to read through my weird little blog. I will be back in a few days with an article on Gold Panning. It sounds like I've been really busy this week but I haven't... just damn these photos take a while to upload.

Until next time: stay safe out there (and don't go picking any Foxglove for your window ledge).